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Master Blaster

Writer / Translator

Master Blaster is the two-man translating team of Canada’s Steven Le Blanc and Japan’s Masami M, a pair who in addition to writing work are in English education and created the StudyNow app for Japanese students of English.

Together they have written somewhere around 1,500 articles for RocketNews24 covering such diverse topics as Chinese men selling sanitary napkins to each other and a Japanese guy dragging an ear of corn around the Tokyo train system. A few of these were actually good, but don’t take our word for it! Here’s what our beloved readers had to say:

“One isn't always in the mood for bold tastes. But when I'm in the mood for bold flavor I turn to you.”
“Stupid article. Who cares what the Japanese think it's cool. You don't call a monkey, "gorilla".”
“You know, this is about the most cogent explanation of how a turbocharger works that I have ever seen in the non-motorsports world.”
“Thanks for the article peter!”
“It's people like you who make exploitation possible.”
“It looks yummy and the story was great. Thank you for the smile.”

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Posted by Master Blaster (Page 183)

The Nihlistic Bus Schedule Advertisements of Tsukuba, Now in English!

Think back to the last time you saw an advertisement for a bus schedule.  Difficult isn’t it? Even on the off chance you have seen one before, it probably wasn’t so attention-grabbing as to stick in your memory.

It’s not like bus schedules need advertising anyway.  Either you use one or you don’t, no amount of persuading will likely change that.

Nevertheless, Tsukuba Tekken, a travel and rail association affiliated with Tsukuba University in Japan, has for years been designing quirky advertisements for their on-campus bus schedules.

Displayed in limited locations around the university, these posters have become a local legend both for their mystery and unorthodox content. So sit back and enjoy these advertisements translated into English.

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Father Bites and Kills Own Son for Being “Possessed by a Snake”

Okazaki City, Aichi Prefecture was the site of a bizarre death of 23 year-old Takuya Nagaya at the hands his father, Katsumi Nagaya. The victim was repeatedly assaulted including bites before succumbing to injuries.

The father having been arrested on suspicion of assault had said “I did it to drive out the snake that had possessed him.”

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Japan’s First Missionary Flustered as Christianity Did Not Compute with the Locals

Saint Francis Xavier was a missionary during the 16th century who is credited for bringing Christianity to parts of Asia previously unaware of the religion. Even today several churches bearing his name or likeness can be found in Japan, China, Indonesia, India and more.

Although he was successful at establishing a foothold for later missionaries to operate in Japan, his task was not easy.  The patience of this Saint was taken to the limit by potential followers complaining about gaps in logic with concepts such as hell and creation.

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Japanese Teacher Suspended for Hugging Students While Singing to Them

When I was a junior high school student my music teacher used to jab a meter stick into my gut while I played Mary Had a Little Lamb on the trumpet.  Good times.

Still, that guy could win teacher of the year next to a 55 year-old man who was suspended from his Shonan Ward high school in Kanagawa Prefecture for inappropriate behavior with some female students.

How inappropriate? For starters, he composed an original love ballad.

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The January long promotional even Enjoy! 60 Second Service at Japanese McDonald’s franchises has been making waves all over the nation’s fast food consciousness.  Although a lot of negative stories have emerged over possibly being too fast or pushing the workers too much, it’s still tempting to get into the idea of ultra-fast food.

Rival Japanese burger chain Mos Burger might be feeling the heat this month as well.  One outlet in particular released a statement written on a chalkboard in front of their store explaining the virtues their considerably slower service.

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Check Out Live Streaming Video of Cute Females Bathing in Public! Right Now!!

Everyone on Earth be they young or old, man or woman, human or animal loves a good sit in a warm place.  That’s the main reason for the hot spring’s popularity in many parts of the world.

However, we caught word of one or more young females who love bathing so much they want to do it publicly on camera for the whole world to see!  You have to hurry though there’s only a short time to see it.

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Shota Mori is a man with a dream – a dream many young males have fantasized about: making a gun pop out of your sleeve. Known as a sleeve gun, these cool yet largely impractical devices have been featured in the many badass movies such as Taxi Driver, Desperado, and Alien Resurrection.

However, with a nationwide ban on guns, Mr. Mori opted for everyday items like his iPhone, train pass, and toy drums.  What began as a simple DIY project, however, had grown into something much bigger.  Documented in a series of videos titled Sleeve iPhone it became a journey of self-realization for the man and a lesson for all of us to follow our dreams.

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Prefect Your Navy Salute with Salute Trainer App, Comes with Engrish Instructions!

Here’s an awkward situation I’m sure we’ve all had to deal with at one point or another.

Your recently-divorced out-of-the-closet father with a thing for guys in uniform has begun bringing home high ranking military officials.

You want to show these officers and gentlemen their due respect, but every time you go to salute your lack of technique makes them look at you like you’re some kind of dirty hippy.  That scornful glare cast by a Rear Admiral as he flings on a feather boa is just the worst.

Luckily, the modern incarnation of the Japanese Navy, the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force (JMSDF) put together a free iPhone app and instructional video to teach the proper way to salute.  The iPhone app called Salute Trainer also measures your saluting ability in detail and gives you a score and military style ranking.

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Norway’s Sushi Themed Interpretive Dance Routines Befuddle Japan

Sushi has become a world famous dish, and this has drawn mixed feelings from the people of Japan. While the general population is happy to have positively influenced global cuisine, at the same time they are also dismayed at how poorly it’s usually executed.

You probably best not mention your love of California rolls to a Japanese person, otherwise they’ll lower their head in shame.  Even if it tries to follow traditional ways, you’ll often hear complaints of the presentation or freshness compared to the land of the rising sun.

So just imagine if a country like Norway decides to release a series of instructional videos teaching how to make various dishes such as sashimi and makizushi. A Japanese food purist would have a fit.

To fight any undesired criticism from Japan, the Norwegians have employed a powerful weapon of mass distraction: interpretative dance.

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Thousands Protest McDonald’s Online Speech Policy by Tweeting: “The Chicken Tatsuta is Delicious!”

A few days before, the news broke regarding McDonald’s Japan releasing a memo which outlined new speech restrictions for their employees on social media.  Many believe these new rules are an effort to stem worker’s complaints over the new “Enjoy! 60 Second Service” promotion.

After the memo was released, McDonald’s crew members and Japanese netizens took to Twitter and 2channel to voice their opinion about the controversial new restrictions, and everyone’s unanimous opinion was this:

“The Chicken Tatsuta is delicious! It’s my favorite burger!”

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Korean-Japanese Telecom Tycoon Masayoshi Son earned his place as the CEO of Japan’s largest mobile phone company and the second richest person in Japan through aggressive expansion of his interests.

That personality often comes through in his Twitter account too.  Son recently had to defend himself via Twitter after a half-million-dollar donation to Hurricane Sandy relief irked some people.

That’s the great thing about Twitter, isn’t it? You can now directly give Forbes’ 53rd Most Powerful Person in the world a piece of your mind. But don’t expect him to take it lying down.

That’s what @kingfisher0423 learned when he tweeted to the Softbank CEO: “With the degree that your hairline has receded, you are bald.”

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Working at a lottery counter or kiosk must be a drag.  You have to watch other people win big and hand over cash everyday while probably making a less than stellar salary yourself.

So it comes as no surprise that one lotto shop employee in Sakai city succumbed to the temptation to pocket someone else’s big winning ticket for herself and telling them they lost.

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McDonald’s Japan Restricts What Employees Can Say on Twitter, Too Many Disgruntled 60 Second Servants?

McDonald’s has allegedly sent out a nationwide memo to all franchises regarding its employees’ use of social networks.  The memo is highly detailed regarding what types of online speech is permitted from staff.

Regulations include the prohibition of “McDonald’s bashing” on Twitter or popular internet message board 2channel (2ch), as well as other unethical (by McStandards) postings.

The following is a translation of the leaked rules.  Pay special attention to numbers 4 and 5.

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Messing with These Vending Machines May Result in Severing of Fingers and/or Published Photos of Your Genitals

Rumor has it that among the numerous maid cafés, manga, DVD, and video game shops in Akihabara, Tokyo, there exists a unique corner full of vending machines.

The machines contain typical fare for Japan – colas, teas, snacks, condoms, and such – but are guarded by savage penalties unbecoming of the general levels of politeness in this country. In fact, often involving dismemberment, these penalties seem more at home in a bleak post-apocalyptic Thunderdome type society than urban Tokyo.

Few know about this legendary group of vending machines outside of Akihabara aficionados. So our reporter, Kuzo, decided to venture up the electric river of Akihabara in search of the Heart of Vending Machine Darkness.

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“Mt. Fuji Should Erupt by 2015”: Ryuku University Professor Emeritus

Since the Great Tohoku Earthquake of March 2011, scientists have been anxiously watching the massive volcano known as Mt. Fuji for signs of activity. In September of last year, a report was released stating that Mt. Fuji’s magma chamber pressure had risen to a worrisome 1.6 megapascals, which is estimated to be higher than when it last erupted.

According to retired professor Masaki Kimura of Ryukyu University, this and other recent phenomena indicate an eruption of Mt. Fuji should have taken place in 2011 with a four-year margin of error ending in 2015.

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Woman Arrested for Attempting to Rob Convenience Store, Attempt Was So Bad She May Get Off

Remember the bank robber who waited on the sofa at the request of his “victim” tellers? He may have competition for most polite criminal with a 23-year-old woman from the rural town of Noto, Japan.

In fact, her attempt at armed robbery of a convenience store was so gentle police are currently unsure what charges they can press.

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Nine Anime Characters Women Want as Lovers, a Notorious Thief and an Infamous Murderer Top the List

Fantasy’s a wonderful thing.  With a little imagination things can be exactly the way you want it to be. Perhaps that’s why movies, animation, literature and more are so timelessly popular.  They show us life the way it will never be.

The list makers over at Otome Sugoren who teach us that everything can boil down to 9 items, like party manners, otaku relationships, and inter-gender video game etiquette have compiled the nine characters from anime and manga that women wish they could be with in real life.

Now, I like me some whimsy as much as the next guy, but I’m left dumbfounded by the thought process that went into some of these choices.

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Four Freezing Freeza’s Appear at Hakone Ekiden Relay Marathon, Conquer All with Hijinks and Shenanigans

Some sports are just better watched on television.  Although it’s always great to see athletes perform in person, for many events you just can’t get the right vantage point to see all the action.

Take the Hakone Ekiden relay marathon held every year on the second and third of January. One of the most popular running events in Japan, 20 universities from the Kanto region of east Japan enter teams of ten to race a grueling two day relay totaling over 200km.

It’s a physically intense race over mountainous terrain in the cold of mid-winter.  And it’s truly inspiring to see these athletes show such high levels of endurance… from your home watching TV under a blanket and sipping hot cocoa.

For those brave souls who ventured out into the cold to support the runners, a surprise in the form of four inter-planetary warlords stop by yearly to deliver some holiday cheer.

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Traditional Japanese Food Kills Two People, 15 More Hospitalized

A popular confectionery around the New Year’s season in Japan is mochi.  Mochi is often translated to “rice cake” but is nothing like the Styrofoam discs of the same name that are popular in some countries and doesn’t really resemble a cake at all.  It can either be more like a soft “rice gummy”, usually stuffed with sugary foods like sweet beans, strawberry, or even ice cream; or like a “condensed rice block”, which is often basted in soy sauce, grilled, and wrapped in seaweed.

Mochi is made by whacking rice in a tub repeatedly with a giant wooden mallet, a fun but tiring holiday festivity.  During New Year’s mochi is sold in a small snowman like configuration called kagami mochi (pictured above) which serves as a decoration until it is eaten after 1 January.

While all of this sounds fun, mochi has a dark side as well – one that foreigners who try it for the first time often realize quickly: It’s chewy, sticky, and really hard to eat.

And if you’re not careful, this little snack could land you in the ER.

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